Tubular Bells

A man’s phone just rang with a Tubular Bells ringtone. Jury is out on whether he’s an Exorcist or Mike Oldfield fan. Are they mutually exclusive?

Also, who has their phone on an audible ring setting these days?

Decaf Man!

I recently spent 45 minutes with two people who took great pride in not drinking coffee. I didn’t think there was all that much to say about not drinking coffee but it turns out I was wrong. You can talk about what it’s like when people visit your home and the one container of coffee you have is really old. You can talk about how your kettle isn’t located anywhere near a powerpoint because you never use it. And you can talk about how you drink green juice instead.

I wanted to pipe up and say that I didn’t drink coffee for 32 years; it’s not a superpower. But it seemed like poor social etiquette.

Cane Toads

We’d stopped in Katoomba for lunch after a very city person hike just out of Blackheath, in the Blue Mountains. The hike involved carrying coffee, purchased from a hipster-transplant cafe, in takeaway cups. I was awash with inner city shame, partially because of the non-recyclable cups, and partially because I was ‘hiking’ with a long black.

But now the nature part of our trip was over and we were strolling the streets of Katoomba in search of ice cream in a cone for our son. As we passed a pub, a man enjoying a pint passionately appealed to us: “I mean, why can’t we be aggressive towards cane toads?”

I looked around to make sure he wasn’t addressing anyone else, but we were the only ones there. Unfortunately for him, I’ve never cared enough about cane toads to have an informed opinion on cane toad-related aggression, so I couldn’t answer.

I mulled it over as we continued on down the street. I’m not really into aggression of any kind, to be honest, but I do know that cane toads have been a big problem in north eastern Australia for quite a long time. What kind of aggression was this man advocating? Didn’t you just put them in freezers and then dispose of them humanely? Or was that a very 1990s solution? Had things become more dire, now requiring a shock and awe kind of assault?

As I flipped the problem over in my mind, a voice from behind me announced, “I’d like to talk about the cane toad problem.” It was the gentleman from the pub, trundling down the street behind me. I felt slightly anxious. I didn’t mind thinking about the cane toad problem, but I wasn’t eager to discuss it with a man I didn’t know. Particularly not one who would pursue me down the street for that purpose.

But when I snuck a look over my shoulder, it quickly became evident that he wasn’t talking to me or anyone else in particular. “Let’s talk about cane toads,” he said conversationally, his eyes sliding across his fellow pedestrians but never stopping long enough to engage.

I spent the rest of the trip thinking not about cane toads, but about what drives a man to walk around discussing them with an imaginary audience.

Probably TED Talks.

Menstruation Inspiration

I inadvertently bought tampons with inspirational messages on them: Create! Be amazing! Dreams come true! Trust yourself!

As if I’m not already pissed off enough. Now every time I go to the bathroom, I’m gripped with a sudden desire to find the person who thought chirpy tampons were something women needed and throat punch them repeatedly.

A more realistic tampon would read: Fuck everything! Go back to bed! Why don’t men have periods? Chocolate!

If you make these, I will buy them.